"Staring down the barrel of a 45..."

So I've decided that I don't really like aim all that much anymore. Everytime I go on I get IMed by a few different people. People I don't really care to talk to. They IM me and have nothing to say. What ze crap?
I didn't get a credit card. Boo. I don't have any credit so they won't give me any. That really doesn't make any sense.
I most definitely only slept for about three hours. Goody. I blame...work. I'm so used to being up by 7.30. I slept in until 8.30. Woohoo! However I didn't get to bed until almost five.
I miss Nathan.

Pictures!!

My randomness is awesome and you know it.


My dashboard.


My car.


My Stones shirt from the '81 tour.


Not the greatest pic of me.


Doood. Look at how long my hair is. Amazable, isn't it?


Me driving. Kind of dangerous actually. The picture taking while driving anyhow. I swear I'm a good, erm...decent driver.


The icky break room at work.


My letter to you being rewritten.


Icky lunch room.


Me being bored.


Icky backroom.


Gateway view when light.


Closer.


Actual size of my earring.


Gateway view when dark.

Yay! I win. Or something.

Fun

I kind of feel like killing myself right now. I don't know why.

*sigh*

So that's depressing. Eddie Bauer (*cringe*) doesn't have that watch thing anymore. I shouldn't've expected them to, that was last Christmas. I'm sure I can find it somewhere.
Occasionally I read old posts on Nate's old lj. Not too often because they make me sad.
quix·ot·ic adj.

1. Caught up in the romance of noble deeds and the pursuit of unreachable goals; idealistic without regard to practicality.
2. Capricious; impulsive: “At worst his scruples must have been quixotic, not malicious” (Louis Auchincloss).

I'm feeling like something is coming over me. Slowly, but creeping into my bones and the corners of my mind. The monster that haunts me from time to time has come out to play with my mind again.
Last night at work I saw a brown paper bag sitting on a chair as I was cleaning up. I peeked into it and there was a novelty wine glass. The kind that looks like you've spilled it. It was...interesting. In any case it looked lonely so I brought it home. I don't know what I'm to do with it, but it's sitting on my counter. Mum hasn't seen it yet.
Someone was asking me last night what I do for fun. I couldn't think of anything. "I...erm...hang out with my friends...?" You know, all three of them. All I'm really doing at the moment is working and coming home. Oooh! Fun.
I am losing my train of thought. School today. It needs to be next week. I am looking very forward to my Photoshop class on friday. We're working with CS. Which I keep wondering do I get a copy of it? Is it going to be just at school we do this? Am I going to have to buy a copy?
Nathan Fillian is my backround at the moment. It's great. "Mercy is the mark of a great man. Guess I'm just a good man. Well, I'm alright." *sigh* I cannot wait for the movie. I really really really need to buy Jayne's hat before the premier. I want to buy tickets to the midnight showing. I think Joss and Sarah would be up for going. They both love it. Joss has a crush on Mal, like me. Mmm...Cap't tight pants. Lmao.
I need to eat something and rewrite that letter. It's all messy and stuff from the weird angles I have to write at at work. Lack of table and chairs does that. At least in the back room. Shite, I cannot even mail the letter until tomorrow. *hates not having money* I put my last 20 into my tank yesterday and got 6 gallons. Ridiculous. I'm sick of the world and it's crookedness.
I remember maybe sophomore year Vanessa figured out how to send something to me without using postage. It was funny. I think I still have that letter.
I need better pics of Nate. I'm pretty sure I deleted just about all of them off my computer. Stupid anger. I know there are a few from faire and stuff around I'm just not sure where.
I really like Lucid 3. I think Fuel for a scandal is my favorite song so far. It's...angry-ish. It makes me happy. How bass ackwards is that?
Food now. No really.

He hates the Fifth Element? Okay, well maybe he didn't hate it, but he didn't like it either. How did I like him if he had so many flaws? Sex.
I think about so many things during the day then I come home and well, I'm tired and I don't want to type them all out now.
Nathan's a weirdo. It's wonderful. And...weird.
School starts tomorrow. Dood. Algebra. Friday I have Photoshop 1.
Black guy named Kenneth (I think) wanted my number. I didn't give it to him. He was trying too hard anyway. Anton got my number. He's cool. And cute, but more cool. I don't think I could ever date a black guy, too many complications. Family mainly. However I try not to rule anything out.
I wonder if Nate will message me. His status is available again. But I'll wait.
Algebra doesn't start until 1.30. I told Megan I'd meet her at the campus early. I think I'm going to cancel that.
Oh! Speaking of Megan, I was talking to her earlier tonight and she told me that Jeff, who I worked at the library with and dated, and James, who I met at the library and dated at the same time went to the same school. Baker college. Okay, well I knew that. Apparently they had classes together. What?!!? James was a grade ahead of Jeff. James may have been dumb, but he was book smart, I know that. And Jeff was a computer genius but was shitty at school. Jeff figured it out after I stopped seeing him. Got really angry too. Broke something then told Megan he was going to buy violent video games. She said she'd never seen him so angry before. Is it weird that I find it amusing? He never did sign my going away card. Can't say I blame him though.
I guess Nate's at work? What? I am very confused. Isn't it like 9.30 there? Nope, very wrong. Def 5.30. How the fuck do I constantly get the time wrong? I can never get it right. That's it, I'm buying a watch and keeping NZ time. No, I probably won't, but it's a good idea. Actually at Eddie Bauer (*cringe*) they had this really cool clock thing that kept the time for two different time zones. You could switch it all over the place. I don't know Ithought it was cool. Oh, I guess he has his laptop on at work. Okie. Makes sense. I love how I'm typing this out and no one really cares. Three people including myself have the address to this thing.
Is it next week yet?

Shawn pisses me off sometimes by telling me that he doesn't want to hear about "past boys" as he puts it. I even mention Jason or Nate and he gets quiet. He tells me he doesn't want to hear about it. We're fucking over. We have been for almost a year, and he still won't drop it. Shouldn't bother you. Get over it. You're too Goddamned jealous for your own good anyway. I don't know why it makes me so angry either. Maybe just the fact that these people obviously make me happy and all he can think about is the past. What the hell would happen if these people became long term, or (God forbid) permanant fixtures in my life, then what the hell would he have to say about that?
Other than that I did finally break things off with Wes. I feel relieved and little like an asshole at the same time. Why do I feel like an asshole? I wish I could tell you. I was, however, very calm and, I'd like to think, nice about it. I think we ended on good terms. I told him that I would like to be friends with him but I don't know that that would work because all we've had in the three weeks we've known each other is a physical relationship. I am proud of myself for being so mature and frank about it. The killer part: He told me he wasn't expecting it. I told him I don't call everyone a fucking asshole and yell I hate you in German at them. I was thinking about it, I think I miss him a little. I do know that I will miss the sex. In fact, I'm a little afraid to go back to sex with Jason. In time I'll forget though. I think the best thing was that he knew how to kiss. Everything. With those real kisses. Not too wet, nor just a peck with a goofy noise attached to it, but a really great kiss. He is the first, or at least one that's really memorable, to be able to get that right. I love the way he kissed things that normally aren't kissed/paid attention to. He kissed my hands. He kissed my damn hands. *sigh* Everything. The biggest sign that I should break it off, besides the whole him having a girlfriend thing, was what he said to me sunday morning. "You really aren't happy, are you?" "With what? My life?" "Yes." Anyone that really knows me knows, or at least should, that I am quite happy and content with my life at the moment. I mean, yes things could be better, but couldn't they always be better? That just showed me the fact that I am (was) not happy with him. God he made me angry. Angrier than I think I've been in a while.
I cried because I thought I hit a cat on the way home from work. I didn't. If I had, I would've cried harder.