Thai, hair dye and pessimism

I am feeling very angry and pessimistic at the moment. I, as usual, am not sure why.
Last night I hung out with Joss. We Roak-ed. We tried something new. We went to a Thai/Japanese/Filippino restaurant. I got Thai and she got some sort of Filippino dish. It was nice. The had this lemonade that was really good. Tasted like lemondrop candy. Coffee followed and then we traveled to Riverview to hang out at my place. Wasn't bad. Ended up curling her hair just because she said it wasn't possible/didn't look good. I proved her wrong. I win. I saw her today and we dyed my hair. It looks good. I was really scared and first and sort of freaking out. Odd-I finally put a natural colour in my hair and freak out, but blue-black or pink and I'm fine. Yeah, I'm real normal.
Went to Brody's. Sara's still prego. Due in January. Baby shower soon. I have to figure out what to buy them. Skylar Michael Mumaw. That's nice. I still remember what I said to them when they first told me they were pregnant. "You're going to die." Yep. Exact response. I'm so supportive. I can't help it, that's what I'd do if I were pregnant. I would curl into a little ball on the floor and just die. Jimmy came over. I wasn't expecting to see him. Man, that kid never changes. I swear to God.
I hate those fake conversations I have with people on aim. I knew there was a reason I preferred to be invisible most of the time. Not like I'd really IM anyone anyway.
Why isn't he home? Why can't he just come home? We could live happily ever after.
'Nessa is asking a lot of questions about having sex with girls. Hmmmm...
My soul feels heavy.

Der Welt hasst mich

K guys. It's no fun anymore. The world can stop picking on me. That'd be great. I'd love it if I could stop crying.
What the fuck is wrong with me. Seriously? I am crying because the bank just called me because I overdrew on that stupid fucking State ticket. I overdrew by 4 dollars and am now getting charged 25. That's not the part that kills me, the lady was a fucking bitch about it. Makes me not want to use that bank anymore. Maybe I won't, maybe I'll get a checking account at the bank by my house.

Fuck,

I am a whirlwind of emotions of right now. And now I am angry with the cat. I cried at work today. Towards the end. Steve thought he said something wrong. Wasn't it at all. I think I am just too tired all the time. Makes me...crabby and very sensitive. Sometimes I get so angry I scare myself. I just want to break a lot of things. I easily could've just broken the cat's arm. I know this. Makes me feel terrible too. He just wants to be pet. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me but I just want it fixed. I want to be happy. I am tired of being on this constant rollar coaster. I am so angry I'm crying. I find that's something else odd I cry. I cry when I get angry. I cry when I get frustrated. I cry when any emotion really overwhelms me. I am not taking medicine again. I'd prefer to be like this than have artificial happiness. I thought it was good when I was on it, but then I realised how many feelings I miss. I felt so numb. Am I depressed? Am I just crazy? Is this normal?

Fuck.

Yaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!

I got my new phone. *does happy dance* Seriously. Makes me so happy. Is so pretty. *pets phone* I downloaded one song so far. Welcome Home by Coheed and Cambria. It's a very short loop. I wish it were the guitar at the beginning. That'd totally be cooler.
Nathan called me last night and this morning. He's calling me tonight after he gets home from work. Yay! Two am, but enh whatever. I'll sleep when I'm dead.
I'm pretty sure I've lost weight. Seems the only consistent meal is breakfast.
ex·is·ten·tial·ism (gz-stnsh-lzm, ks-)
n.

A philosophy that emphasizes the uniqueness and isolation of the individual experience in a hostile or indifferent universe, regards human existence as unexplainable, and stresses freedom of choice and responsibility for the consequences of one's acts.

College is going better. I got a 58 on my math test (Eek!), but there'll be other tests and I think I know what's going on now.
My supervisors are talking to me today about my wanting to work part time. Even if I got just one day less of work that'd be better. I am calling the damn valet place again. They still haven't called me and I want that job. Grr!!! Yes I know, I'm possibly the farthest thing ferocious.
I downloaded the whole new album of Coheed. I need more blank cds so I can burn it. Well, I am buying that mp3 player off Steve next week. Yay!
I am all yay-y today, aren't I?
I need to call Sarah and see how she is. I haven't talked to her in...okay maybe it's only been a few days but it seems like it's been eons.
I am so neglectful of my lj. Meh.
I really can't believe how pretty my phone is. It's so cool. Oh and it's teeny. I sent a picture message to Nate already. He told me to. Getting better with NZ time. 8 am -> Midnight there. 2 am -> 6 pm there.
I think I should get ready for school.
Catch-22 also catch-22 (kchtwn-t-t, kch-)
n.

1. 1. A situation in which a desired outcome or solution is impossible to attain because of a set of inherently illogical rules or conditions: “In the Catch-22 of a closed repertoire, only music that is already familiar is thought to deserve familiarity” (Joseph McLennan).
   2. The rules or conditions that create such a situation.
2. A situation or predicament characterized by absurdity or senselessness.
3. A contradictory or self-defeating course of action: “The Catch-22 of his administration was that every grandiose improvement scheme began with community dismemberment” (Village Voice).
4. A tricky or disadvantageous condition; a catch: “Of course, there is a Catch-22 with Form 4868-you are supposed to include a check if you owe any additional tax, otherwise you face some penalties” (New York).

A no-win dilemma or paradox, similar to damned if I do, damned if I don't. For example, You can't get a job without experience, but you can't get experience unless you have a job-it's Catch-22. The term gained currency as the title of a 1961 war novel by Joseph Heller, who referred to an Air Force rule whereby a pilot continuing to fly combat missions without asking for relief is regarded as insane, but is considered sane enough to continue flying if he does make such a request.

Weird

I had a dream that my old boss begged me to come back to the library. She claimed everyone was leaving. I told her I would, but only if I got 7.50/hr. I don't know what happened after that.
English starts in half an hour and I am not even dressed or in any way ready to leave. I also did not go visit Mr. Dudley this morning for math help. I should've, I really should've and I know this. I just could not get myself up. I ended up getting eight hours of sleep. Craaazy.
Well that was a nice streak of talking with Nate everyday. Not happening anymore though. Net company is fucking weird and trying to charge him a lot of money. He said he's probably going to have to cancel his account with them. I miss him. I guess letter will be the best way to contact him. And, of course, text messaging. Sort of makes me angry though, I bought the webcam and headset and shite, and now when the hell am I going to use it? Never, that's when. He didn't force me into it, and I am not blaming him. I'm just saying.
I'm glad I had no computer last night when I was at work. I would've made the most depressing post. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I cried twice at work last night. For no Goddamned reason. This is tiresome.
Finished Vittorio. Wasn't bad. But definitely wasn't The Vampire Chronicles. I can only hope that goofy little store upstairs has more Ann Rice. No way in hell am I reading those best sellers...James Patterson, John Grisham, etc. Don't ask me why, I just don't really want to.
ac·rid (krd)
adj.

1. Unpleasantly sharp, pungent, or bitter to the taste or smell.
2. Caustic in language or tone.

Paid the parking ticket. Fuckers.
I should most definitely do something productive if I'm skipping class. Like finish my photography homework. Wow. What a concept.
*sigh* This life bores me.

So...

I had a ton to bitch about. But I'm lazy as hell. In short, my grandparents drive me mad and my mother is one of the most inconsiderate people ever.
I don't want to go to work. Actually, I think I'd prefer to kill myself.
I still have no subject matter for the pictures. I've come up with a lot but nothing that comes in all sorts of greys. I am not fucking spending money on this project either. The project is due on Wednesday. I have to get the film in by Monday. So I figure I have a nice break in between math help and english class that I can shoot, then I have a break between english and math class that I can drop the film off. Tuesday I can go get the film before my math class.
If I get any spare time this week I'm buying new underwear. Specifically bras but if I can get matching sets that'd be awesome.
New Schedule:
Sunday-Work at 4.
Monday-English 10-11.30, Math 1.30-2.30, Work at 4.
Tuesday-High school 8.30-12, Lunch with Carlyle 12-12.30, Math 1.30-2.30, Work at 4.
Wednesday-English 10-11.30, Math 1.30-2.30, Photography 3-5, Work at 6.
Thursday-High school 8.30-12, Lunch with Carlyle 12-12.30, Math 1.30-2.30, Work at 4.
Friday-Photoshop 10-1.
Saturday-My social life.

Jason once again told me to forget about him. Then he asked me what I was expecting of this. "Well I don't think I'm going to marry you." "Then what are you expecting?" "I don't know. Fun?" My answer seemed to satisfy him. I told him I wasn't in love with him and that I didn't think that we were going to get married or *cringe* have children. It still seemed like he was still thinking about my answers when he said that he was satisfied with them. Told me that people often say one thing and mean another. Yes, people do that a lot. I don't know. Whatever I guess. Condoms are ruined for me and I don't want to have sex with anyone else now. The not wanting sex with anyone else is a good thing. Condom thing, not so much. Must look into birth control. Damn it Wes. Really my own fault though.