Suspicions

I feel stupid. I feel angry. I feel like crying. I don't know why I get so fucking melodramatic sometimes. I feel dumb for it. It really wasn't a big deal, but it felt it to me. I wanted to start crying right there. I don't want to talk. For some strange reason I feel I need to hang on to this, my burden, my problem, until it goes away. Mainly so I don't bug anyone else with my stupid insignificant shit, I think. Maybe I really like making him worry. Maybe I'm really a cruel heartless bitch and I don't realise it. You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I have doubts. I keep thinking that this isn't going to be as long as I'd like it to be. I could possibly just be preparing myself for the fall that might not come. He is reliable. He is stable. He is what I need. Not only need but want. What I've yearned for and dreamed of for so long. You're going to fuck it up. Always that voice in the back of my head. You're going to fuck it up, you always do. I'm going to break him. I'm going to break myself.