I miss Nathan. I’d marry him if he wanted to come back to America bad enough. Most of the time I feel all grown up. Sometimes though I get this insignificant shite that makes me realise that I am only eighteen. I do still have my whole life ahead of me. It makes me feel terrible when Nate tells me I’m young. He doesn’t do it often, and most of the time I cannot feel the age gap so much. Today is the day with Wes. Dear Lord it makes me want to be sick. I really don’t want to do this. But I can’t not do it. I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t. If I stay I my soul will die. I talked to Erik a little yesterday. He and I are going to try to hang out and catch up sometime in the near future. He’s still trying to work out a date. He claims Lauren’s nuts and won’t let him hang out with girls without him. Lauren claims he’s the same way about guys and her. I told him that they have major communication problems and really needed to talk. He insisted he’s tried and it goes nowhere. Oliver, this weird guy I met at the airport when I was doing badging, and I are going out for lunch on Sunday. He kept telling me to stay positive. Then he thanked me for being a positive person. Wtf? Whatever I guess. Like I said, he’s weird. I was hesitant on giving him my number because well he’s 33 and married with two kids. I am not attracted to him and really saw no reason he should have my number. But I’ll find out if it was a bad idea on Sunday then, eh? I called and apologised to Jadon yesterday. I feel better. I think I fixed everything I needed to with the downriver kids. I felt shitty for pissing everyone off. I managed to become quite a fuck up with them. I honestly have no idea how I pissed everyone off. Probably just generally being an asshole. Whatever I guess. Things are better now. Carly isn’t with Ricky anymore. I am very proud of her. She deserves better. I’ve told her this. She said she just doesn’t feel the same way she used to about him. I told her I was glad she had realised this. Sometimes you don’t do anything about things like that because you’re so used to it. It becomes a fixture in your life and you cannot imagine things without it. Or in her case, him. He’s a fucker and she needed to not be with him. Joss is back with Jim. I don’t like him, but I keep my mouth shut. If she’s happy, I’m happy for her. Providing he isn’t hurting her, things are fine in my book. I just don’t think Jim is going anywhere. Joss needs more direction and needs to be around people that actually have real ambitions. Jim has passing ambitions; "Wow that dead guy looks awesome, I wanna be a mortician." Etc. Maybe not quite that dumb, but I could be very wrong. I haven’t talked to him in years. And Sarah, well she’s already partying at State. I’m glad I have a job to occupy my time, otherwise I’d miss her more than I already do.

I really don’t want to end things. I like him a lot. But I can’t stay with him. I will be the other woman. I can’t do that. It sucks. Is it just supposed to be a sex thing? I don’t know. If that’s what he thought right away I wish I’d’ve known. I wouldn’t have to end things then. I wouldn’t have to be doing this. I feel like killing myself. Or him. I might kill him. I think that might be okay. I do believe the boy has no morals. Good God I don’t know why I even try.

I did it again. And by again, I mean three more times. The worst part is, I don’t think I care quite that much. Now I’m just angry after what he told me. I feel like such a chump. I finally let myself actually like someone and begin to think that maybe this could be something, that I can stop hopping from guy to guy and it blows up in my face. How exactly can you love someone and want to be with other people? I cannot wrap my head around that. If that’s love, someone else can fucking have it. I don’t want it. I want what they talk about in books. What everyone dreams of. At least once. I know I don’t love him. I could never love him. He’s too difficult and pig headed. I suspect he’s an alcoholic too. He actually helped Bush campaign. What the hell? How could I ever fall for someone who’s views are so differing from mine. Then again, there is Jason who is too much like me. Which is why I think he and I will never ever be anything other than sex. I don’t think we’ll ever admit that to each other though. I like talking to him, he’s a great guy, but it just isn’t there. There’s no passion. I think it’s sort of funny that I’ve known him for two years, been seeing him for one and I still barely know him. He won’t let me in. I hardly ever see him either. I wish I could find that guy that could take my mind off Nate. I always wonder if it’s just because he and I never finished. If he’d stayed, would I’ve gotten bored? I think that things would be different now too. I am a different person since January. Amazing how much I have changed since then. I feel I’m much more independent and somehow closed off from people too. I seem to have my priorities straight a little better, but that could always use a little tweaking. I probably won’t get that right until I’m much much older. I have been trying to figure out the conversation I am going to have with him in my head. I’m not sure how it’s going to go yet. I am going to point out that I am not pleased that he lied. I cannot trust him now. Had I known the situation from the beginning things might be a little different. I might not’ve become so attached. Unfortunately that is not the case. I am. I don’t feel like getting hurt more. Especially if he "loves" her and there is no damn chance of them breaking up. I already did that with Erik and it sucked. I am not doing that again. I will risk it if I actually think it’s love or something that is actually worth risking, this is not. The part that really puzzles me is, do I tell him before we have sex, or in the morning. I don’t know how he’ll take it. I don’t know if he’d still be up for it. Though I suspect he will, being a red blooded male and all. I thought about telling him to make the night last, because it’ll be the last he sees of me. There’s a lot to absorb and I have a few days to think about it all. Thursday is the day. I am ending it. I don’t want to get hurt. But oh-dear I don’t want to not be with him. I like him. But I’d like him better if he weren’t a lying asshole. That’s what I need to keep in mind, lying asshole, lying asshole. Is it weird that I like his name? I can actually say, I had sex with a guy named Wesley before. However that will not be a name for my future children. Not that I think I’m having any, but don’t ever rule anything out. I wanted to kill him so much. He told me and I wanted to hurt him. But I couldn’t stop smirking. Out of shock, of course. I couldn’t stop smirking and I couldn’t speak. I was taken aback. How could he? He told me that he would like this to not affect anything. Yeah, that’s right I’ll forget about it all. What? You never told me you have a girlfriend of four and a half years, an open relationship (that you pretty much forced her into), her name isn’t Megan and you don’t love her. Nope, I never heard any of that. In a lot of ways I feel sorry for her. I’d hate to be her. Of course, then again, if she did actually agree to it, it’s her own doing I guess. How can you love someone that hurts you? Again, maybe I just don’t get that love thing. I don’t know what the hell Nate was. I’d like to say love, but I’m never quite sure. I will say that Nate was something. Oh-my he was something. I would run off to New Zealand with him in a heartbeat. When I did start speaking, I’m pretty sure that it was mainly in German. Though I cannot remember now. That was a long night/day and everything is blending together. I came up with an evil plan too. I went crazy for a day. I’m sort of glad I scrapped the plan. I probably would’ve felt like shit had I gone through with it. I’m a good person, good people don’t do things like that, right? Even if they are hurting. Revenge is definitely not the best route. I’m mature. I can handle things like I should and tie up any loose ends. Hopefully.