Shawn pisses me off sometimes by telling me that he doesn't want to hear about "past boys" as he puts it. I even mention Jason or Nate and he gets quiet. He tells me he doesn't want to hear about it. We're fucking over. We have been for almost a year, and he still won't drop it. Shouldn't bother you. Get over it. You're too Goddamned jealous for your own good anyway. I don't know why it makes me so angry either. Maybe just the fact that these people obviously make me happy and all he can think about is the past. What the hell would happen if these people became long term, or (God forbid) permanant fixtures in my life, then what the hell would he have to say about that?
Other than that I did finally break things off with Wes. I feel relieved and little like an asshole at the same time. Why do I feel like an asshole? I wish I could tell you. I was, however, very calm and, I'd like to think, nice about it. I think we ended on good terms. I told him that I would like to be friends with him but I don't know that that would work because all we've had in the three weeks we've known each other is a physical relationship. I am proud of myself for being so mature and frank about it. The killer part: He told me he wasn't expecting it. I told him I don't call everyone a fucking asshole and yell I hate you in German at them. I was thinking about it, I think I miss him a little. I do know that I will miss the sex. In fact, I'm a little afraid to go back to sex with Jason. In time I'll forget though. I think the best thing was that he knew how to kiss. Everything. With those real kisses. Not too wet, nor just a peck with a goofy noise attached to it, but a really great kiss. He is the first, or at least one that's really memorable, to be able to get that right. I love the way he kissed things that normally aren't kissed/paid attention to. He kissed my hands. He kissed my damn hands. *sigh* Everything. The biggest sign that I should break it off, besides the whole him having a girlfriend thing, was what he said to me sunday morning. "You really aren't happy, are you?" "With what? My life?" "Yes." Anyone that really knows me knows, or at least should, that I am quite happy and content with my life at the moment. I mean, yes things could be better, but couldn't they always be better? That just showed me the fact that I am (was) not happy with him. God he made me angry. Angrier than I think I've been in a while.
I cried because I thought I hit a cat on the way home from work. I didn't. If I had, I would've cried harder.