I kind of feel like burying myself in the ground for a long while. I can’t believe I actually did that. I feel dumb, and angry. I am so angry. At myself mainly, but a little at him too. After all this time of being so careful and mature about everything, one night and I fuck up my wonderful record. With all of this I’m beginning to question the very things I stood firm on and wouldn’t let anyone budge me from. He comes along and I am beginning to question what I once stood so firm on. Why? Am I trying to keep him? Is it for me? Is it the smart thing to do? It has the potential to be a lot more safe, but it doesn’t at the same time too. I haven’t been this confused since...Nate. I like him so much. Is it really him I like? Or is it the sex? I think it’s him, he can be so goofy and make me laugh so hard. He’s cute and smart. He challenges me on things I think, which (normally) isn’t such a bad thing. He’s a little crazy and I don’t agree with everything he says, not that I feel I’m expected to. I think I’d have quite a problem if I did. I think I am going to keep this issue to myself for a while. I told Lynn at work and Sarah. I’ll probably tell Joss when she gets back too. I need to talk to him. I know I do. I need to point out everything I’m feeling. He has less of a reason to be scared. He can run away. It wouldn’t really be his problem. Should I be so scared? It just happened yesterday. I’ll probably be fine, right? Goddamn it. I am so angry. I am angry with him for talking me into it, but more myself for giving in. Why the fuck do I have to be so weak sometimes? I want someone to tell me everything is going to be okay. The thing that might just be the most damn frustrating, maybe not the most, but damn frustrating nonetheless, I couldn’t tell a huge difference. Everyone talks about how much of a difference it makes, I couldn’t tell. Maybe I was too scared to really be able to tell. All of my attention was not focused in the moment. I want to scream.