So I am crazy happy most of the time. I don't really let the little shit get me down so much anymore. Been like what...2 effing years since I've updated this damn thing.

Of course, what is there to be sad about? Honestly, nothing. I'm moving to France. Yep, that's right, France. I also don't speak a lick of Francais. Talk about an adventure. My German is good, better than passable but less than fluent. I speak English, that counts for something, right?

Nathan is still around. Lulz. Shit never changes. Love of my life, madly in love, still 8600 miles away. We're working on it though. I think it all works a little better too as I have done a lot of growing up.

Maybe in the not too distant future there will actually be little Nathan Jr.s running around with a little Vienna too maybe. One never knows what the future holds, however I'm not going to bank on a thing. Let the chips fall as they may.

In other news, I totes need to party like a rockstar less and sleep more. Oi, this is killing me. And yet, it's a constant fight in my brain.

Suspicions

I feel stupid. I feel angry. I feel like crying. I don't know why I get so fucking melodramatic sometimes. I feel dumb for it. It really wasn't a big deal, but it felt it to me. I wanted to start crying right there. I don't want to talk. For some strange reason I feel I need to hang on to this, my burden, my problem, until it goes away. Mainly so I don't bug anyone else with my stupid insignificant shit, I think. Maybe I really like making him worry. Maybe I'm really a cruel heartless bitch and I don't realise it. You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I have doubts. I keep thinking that this isn't going to be as long as I'd like it to be. I could possibly just be preparing myself for the fall that might not come. He is reliable. He is stable. He is what I need. Not only need but want. What I've yearned for and dreamed of for so long. You're going to fuck it up. Always that voice in the back of my head. You're going to fuck it up, you always do. I'm going to break him. I'm going to break myself.

I have to say it...

I cannae help but be a little mad. I cannae help but be hurt. I was abandoned. Though probably long before I realised it. I know I'm better off without the frustration, but I still...somewhere in me want to be frustrated. My feelings will never change and I don't regret what I did one bit. The time had passed and though I'm not completely okay with that now, I will be. Somewhere down the line. More than anything now I'd like to know. I'd like to know the thoughts. The feelings. I'd just like to know.

Bin ich tot?

Roger and I are zusammen. It macht me so happy. Work is spass. So that's your deutsch lesson for the day.

Ich hasse diese Welt.

Don't

You don't know me. You don't know my musical tastes. You don't know my dreams and aspirations. You don't know my favorite foods, books, holidays, or movies. You don't know what I look like when I get up in the morning, you don't know the temperature I like my shower, you don't know what I hate about myself or what bothers me most. You don't know my favorite colour, my pet peeves, my hope and fears. You don't know what I bank on and what makes me cry. You don't know how strange I am or what I really think of you. All you know is what you see.

Sometimes...

I love the fact that I can be a bitch. Convo with (what I originally thought) Jeff Blaisdell. For my own personal use.

jblais1231 (7:28:41 PM): hey was up
Placebd Wrld (7:28:55 PM): Nothing...
jblais1231 (7:29:00 PM): long time no talk
Placebd Wrld (7:29:01 PM): I thought you hated me...
Placebd Wrld (7:29:08 PM): I am incredaconfused.
jblais1231 (7:29:20 PM): i still do
Placebd Wrld (7:29:28 PM): Then why are you talking to me?
jblais1231 (7:29:45 PM): ummm cause i'm bored
jblais1231 (7:30:08 PM): so i got a ?
Placebd Wrld (7:30:13 PM): I'm going to once again apologise, though I think it makes no difference to you.
Placebd Wrld (7:30:15 PM): Go ahead.
jblais1231 (7:31:01 PM): what was the actual reason we broke up
Placebd Wrld (7:31:14 PM): Honestly, I got really busy.
Placebd Wrld (7:31:20 PM): And stayed busy.
jblais1231 (7:31:38 PM): hmmm well you coulda told me
Placebd Wrld (7:31:41 PM): Then I did the stupid thing and never actually ended things.
Placebd Wrld (7:31:55 PM): I know. Occassionally I suck at the communication thing.
jblais1231 (7:31:58 PM): damn straight you did
jblais1231 (7:32:35 PM): well w/e its in the past who cares
Placebd Wrld (7:32:42 PM): Wow. Okay.
Placebd Wrld (7:32:51 PM): Well I'm glad you're big enough to move on.
Placebd Wrld (7:33:13 PM): If the roles were reversed, I wouldn't be talking.
jblais1231 (7:33:43 PM): i've benn moving on i've actually had about 3 girlfriends now
Placebd Wrld (7:33:50 PM): Good!
Placebd Wrld (7:33:54 PM): I'm glad!
jblais1231 (7:34:09 PM): i guess
jblais1231 (7:34:25 PM): so i got another ?
Placebd Wrld (7:34:31 PM): Go ahead.
jblais1231 (7:34:51 PM): so are you still a "motorcycle"
Placebd Wrld (7:35:05 PM): I don't believe I follow you.
jblais1231 (7:35:48 PM): think about motorcycle everyone gets a ride which i still think that was the reason you stopped talking to me
Placebd Wrld (7:36:19 PM): *blink blink* I am utterly insulted. Thank you.
jblais1231 (7:36:49 PM): well thats what i thought come on you just up and left i felt pretty insulted myself
Placebd Wrld (7:37:07 PM): Look I understand that I fucked up. Right, I got that, but IMing me to insult me is not a good way to go.
jblais1231 (7:37:48 PM): ok i am sorry bout that but can i tell you one thing and its not insulting i promise
Placebd Wrld (7:37:53 PM): Sure.
jblais1231 (7:38:12 PM): this is one of his good friends jus looking out for him
Placebd Wrld (7:38:30 PM): So this isnae Jeff?
jblais1231 (7:38:43 PM): nope
Placebd Wrld (7:38:46 PM): Okay.
Placebd Wrld (7:38:53 PM): Go ahead.
jblais1231 (7:39:18 PM): i'm jus lookin out for him and i just wanted to hear it from you thats all i'm at his house hes sitting on the couch
Placebd Wrld (7:39:30 PM): Does he know you're talking to me?
jblais1231 (7:39:38 PM): yup
Placebd Wrld (7:39:48 PM): How does he feel about this?
jblais1231 (7:40:14 PM): he says how is he suppost to feel
jblais1231 (7:40:24 PM): he said he finds it kinda funny
Placebd Wrld (7:40:49 PM): I know he's hurt and/or angry.
Placebd Wrld (7:40:55 PM): I'm not stupid.
Placebd Wrld (7:41:07 PM): I may be, at times inconsiderate, but I'm not dumb.
jblais1231 (7:41:36 PM): then you shoulda told him
Placebd Wrld (7:42:26 PM): Right, when he's hating me and giving me the cold shoulder, I'm sure that would've gone well.
jblais1231 (7:43:12 PM): how many times have you called him just to say hi or leave a message saying whats up
jblais1231 (7:43:17 PM): hmm hmmm
Placebd Wrld (7:43:29 PM): None. Are we forgetting that he hates me.
jblais1231 (7:43:58 PM): no i know he hates you but whos fault was that
Placebd Wrld (7:44:14 PM): I'm not saying it's not!
jblais1231 (7:45:34 PM): ok but still its really no ones fault but you still crushed his heart
Placebd Wrld (7:46:03 PM): Holy hell. I know this. I do feel bad, though I'm sure you think I'm just a cold heartless bitch.
Placebd Wrld (7:46:27 PM): There's another reason why I never made an attempt to contact him.
Placebd Wrld (7:46:31 PM): I felt/feel terrible.
Placebd Wrld (7:46:56 PM): I suck. I'm a worthless, bitch of a human fucking being, what more do you want from me?
jblais1231 (7:47:00 PM): yea in a way i do but i dont really know you personally only know you from jeff......what was the other reason?
Placebd Wrld (7:47:11 PM): I felt bad.
jblais1231 (7:48:25 PM): well damn you came out with the truth at least your not denying it w/e it goes how it goes
Placebd Wrld (7:49:08 PM): Alright I'm done groveling. If I shut myself down, it's one thing, but I'd prefer you not agree with me, kthanks.
jblais1231 (7:49:58 PM): well w/e i'm just looking out for him
Placebd Wrld (7:50:10 PM): How is insulting me looking out for him?
Placebd Wrld (7:50:21 PM): It's in the past, as you've said before.
Placebd Wrld (7:50:27 PM): And obviously before you.
Placebd Wrld (7:50:49 PM): If I were attempting to contact him it'd be one thing, but you are seeking me out.
jblais1231 (7:51:26 PM): ok you shut me up damn
Placebd Wrld (7:51:45 PM): Yeah.
Placebd Wrld (7:52:15 PM): So if Jeff wants to contact me, feel free. I will grovel to him. But other than that I do believe we're done here.
jblais1231 (7:53:02 PM): alrighty then
Placebd Wrld (7:53:05 PM): Ta.
jblais1231 (7:53:21 PM): taa ta
jblais1231 is away at 7:56:12 PM.

Give me a reason to believe in happy endings.

//Random pics

Beer bottle chandalier in a Mexican restaurant in Tempe.


















Natalie.































































Raymond from BKL.


































John from BWI. He's wearing Zaina's earring here.



















Natalie and I in the club. Don't I look awesome? >_<

Have I gone too far?

Have I become something I always told myself I'd never become? Monster am I not. Too much love is what I feel.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: Boys have always been a weakness of mine. I love the attention. I love feeling needed, wanted, desired. Is it that fills up empty space where there should be love? Should I attribute it to being picked on as a child? Having no father figure growing up? Is there really anything I can blame it on? I fear this might be the path to my demise. I do not feel bad. In fact, I feel bad for not feeling bad.


Too much introspection.

Nevermind

I'm stupid happy. I love him.

Incoherant thoughts

He cares. He had to've. No one can fake caring that much. Can they? I don't know that there was/is a good reason that he hasn't contacted me. I hope he's okay. I want to call him. I want to contact him. A lot. But I cannot go back on my word. I told him to contact me. I'm tired of crying over him. That's what I did too. I would not hear from him, lay in bed and quietly cry to myself. Am I crazy? I really want to call him. Bad. I can't. I know. I said I wouldn't and can't. I love him. I love him so much. That's why I get so upset. Ugh. I don't know. This whole thing makes my head hurt. I just want things to be okay and I want him to be okay and I want us to be happy. Even if we aren't together. More than anything, I just want him to be happy. I hate seeing him upset. I hate seeing him depressed. I want him to get married, get a good job and have little Nathans running around. Maybe they'll even have cute little accents. *sigh* I don't know. All this thinking obsessing is going to kill me.

Did he ever really care in the first place?

Was ist die Probleme?

Ich hasse alles. Er macht mich so verärgert manchmal. Ich fühle mich dass kümere mich um ihm mehr. Er hat fünfzehn minuten. Bin ich ein Idiote? Ich beginne so zu denken.

In English: It still feels very much one sided.

Useless information...

I have now kissed 45 people. Woo. Lol. Here's the useless part, I'm naming off every fifth.
1. Ashley Russell
5. Jesse Ball
10. Damon Baker
15. Sara Pegg
20. Erik Check
25. Rei Lowe
30. Alex Diakonis
35. Aaron Bax
40. Josh Byrom
45. Name disclosed

I love how I have three girls in that. I've only kissed...*counts* six girls. Odd how that worked out.
I'm tired of waiting for...everything.

Methinks I see thee, now thou art below,
As one dead in the bottom of a tomb:
I dreamed my death tonight. While driving home I saw a car hit mine. I died instantly. I saw my funeral. I saw the reactions of those around me. Truly frightening.
I made a wise decision tonight.
I feel myself slipping. I feel the negative energy around me. I feel the tears behind my eyes. I feel it all and I hate it.
I've realised that I lose a lot of respect for being promiscuous. I make a lot of shit harder for myself and more frustrating because of this. But do I stop? No. I just go about my business and keep my thoughts to myself. Only on occasion does my promiscuity bother me.
I hate myself for the creature I'm becoming.

Little Red...

Awwwww

I want twelve.

//Random

What happens when you let French women in your car:

















Boredom ensues while driving:

So. fucking. cute.

I want this kitten. He had a round little tummy and is so adorable. And wobbles! He wobbles!
















I most definitely took some water and gave him a mohawk.

Cider mill!

I should've posted these sooner.

The clusterfuck of cars. They were backing up and going the wrong way on the ramp trying to avoid traffic. It was heelarious.

Donuts and cider. Joss und ich.



By this time she told me to stop being ugly.

But I stopped listening.

JOSSECA!

I am retarded.

French photographers aren't very well known for a reason.

Dead bees.

Baby goats! Aw!

The evil goat that bit Anaïs.


Her hurt finger. Even though it's the backround that's focused.

Le sigh

I finally got to talk to him. Oh I love him. I love him I love him I love him. He makes me far too damn happy. I'm going to try to see him as soon as I possibly can. Maybe January?

*sigh*

It is 7.45...

And I am dead fucking tired. I blame the being up since three o'clock this morn.


I still smell like him. Lmao. I do believe I have found a friend. ...among other things.

Hey there little red riding hood...

Last one is most def my ass. Thing is SO short.

Earlier this week

I feel as though Nathan is one of those unobtainable goals I have set for myself. One that I will break my neck trying to achieve. New Zealand is a long way away. As much as I don't want to admit it, I am losing hope. Dreaming of being in his arms is one of the most wonderful thoughts I could ever conjure, but its power is beginning to wane. This is not to say I am admitting defeat. That'd take a helluva lot. It's not like I'm really waiting for him, in the sense that most wait (or the way I think anyhow). I go on dates, I have sex, all sorts of things. He encourages me, oddly enough. So what is this? A note filled with sorrow? Regret? Guilt?